I sat at a meeting a while ago and, as often happens, my mind began to wonder.  The speaker was a professional Christian councilor and he talked about a balanced life, which was all together very intriguing to me.  I would say that some of my deepest struggles come from searching to find balance.  My wondering mind was originally on topic.  I wondered if he prayed before he came up to speak.  I wondered (as someone who had pondered a balanced life, and seemed to have attained it to a greater degree than me) what he prayed for.  And then I thought about what I would have prayed for (as someone who has pondered a balanced life and not attained it).   

As my mind is wondering my eyes catch a glimpse of the ceiling tile that the speaker was standing under.   The roof of our building was currently being fixed because of some bad leaks in the roof.   One of the leaks had caused the tile that the speaker was standing under to become stained brown, and bulging profusely.  The roofers that were working on the roof were causing the tile to pulsate to the beat of their steps.  I thought it was ironic that the room was arranged so that the councilor was standing under the only tile that looked as though it was going to fall.  I wondered if he had seen the tile; I wondered if he would have moved the podium if he would have seen the tile; I wondered if I would pummel him to safety if I saw it falling on him; I wondered if he did see it if he had prayed for the tile not to fall.  I pondered what I would do if I was the speaker, if I would move the podium or if I would pray for the tile not to fall, and why I would pray?  My gut prayer would be that God would keep me from the embarrassment of the tile falling on me (sad that I would pray for my dignity before protection of the falling tile causing my neck to break).  I contemplated the faith value in my prayer.   Can I have enough faith that God would keep the tile from falling?  If I did put “my faith in God that the tile wouldn’t fall” and it did fall what would that say about God?  What would that say about me and my faith? Is that how faith works? I evaluated the spirituality of my own gut prayer and concluded that it was exceeding disappointing.  I didn’t need to be concerned about the circumstance but where my dignity came from, and if the falling tile, or me being embarrassed would bring me closer or if I would lead to feelings betrayal.  I think my prayer should have been more like “When I feel my dignity is gone, when I am embarrassed, remind me in the midst that I am loved and I am of value to You, remind me that I am Yours, allow me to feel Your presence in those moments.”